Bus Wankers, Train Bastards and Tube Twats.

Posted: November 2, 2012 in Random Daily Musings
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I bloody hate commuting. I loathe it with every fibre of my generally quite happy being (that said, I doubt there is a single soul in this world who looks forward to it with gleeful anticipation) and the enormous distaste I now have for fellow commuters seems to grow with every passing minute. I don’t doubt that these creatures are wonderful, loving, kind people in their day to day lives (not all, but most) yet once they step foot on some mode of public transport they morph into foul, detestable and thoroughly selfish beings who would stamp on their own grandmother to ensure a seat for their morning travel. Gone is a thought for one’s fellow man, gone is the notion of kindness and it appears that chivalry is well and truly dead, gone, dusted and buried under the floorboards. It pains me deeply and I have therefore come up with a selection of tips (a guide to commuting etiquette, if you will) which should henceforth be set in stone and drummed into our youth from birth to ensure a more enjoyable commute for our future generations. They are as follows;

1. Platform Protocol

Whether you trot to the end of the platform or have picked a sly spot along its length, remain in this position and do not move. However, past observations predict that when the train eventually pulls in (I say ‘eventually’ because it’s a phrase fellow Londoners will be well versed with) the general consensus appears to be that all human beings suddenly scuttle, in penguin fashion, towards the approaching door and huddle around it, pressing their noses against the glass as though they were gearing up to peck it open. What then seems to confuse these imbeciles is the idea that passengers already on the train may want to disembark (heaven forbid.) Thereafter begins the push and shove of those stepping from the carriage and those attempting to climb on simultaneously. For the love of God, it is not rocket science; allow a small gap for those stepping off, WAIT until they have done so and then embark in an orderly fashion. This notion of patience is really quite alien to some.

2. Sardine Stuffing

Believe it or not, some trains and tubes reach capacity. When such locomotives pull into a station, one can observe abundant commuters already squeezed in to the gills. The likelihood, therefore, of pressing another 100 people into each stuffed carriage is rather slim; it’s pure maths. However, theres always one isn’t there, who seems utterly intent on forcing himself in, ramming every other passenger with his body weight and thereby causing a domino ripple of shoving and squashing. He then bursts forth with an indignant whine; ‘Can you move down please?!’ No dear chap, we cant ‘move down,’ you can already see that my face is pressed into a stinking armpit whilst somebody’s umbrella is in the process of violating a rather sensitive area of my person, now bugger awf. If you are the culprit of this enormous display of stupidity; either stop it at once and remove yourself from the carriage or one of these days those doors are going to slam shut and your ludicrous little bonce will plop to the platform whilst the rest of  your annoying person continues its journey.

3. Newspaper Bastards.

Once stuffed into a moving train with all areas of personal space invaded, there’s always one idiot who decides to flap open his broadsheet above the heads of us smaller persons and read it at arms length. I can tell you now, this is simply not cricket. Not only does the folding and rustling of the sheets disturb my morning quiet, but the limp pages curl at their edges and poke themselves directly into my eyeballs. It may astonish you to know this but I have no interest in reading the FT at such a close range that the print begins to rub off on my nose. In fact, I have no interest in reading it at all. Put it away Sir.

4. Huffers

Now you may not realise it, dear commuter, but we are all in this together. Your journey is no more distressing than mine. Your mood however, is very uncalled for. Yes, I may have clobbered you with my over-sized handbag but you just stomped on my delicate tootises with your whopping great boot; I think that means we are now quits. Do not, therefore, glare daggers of death in my direction nor huff and puff in attempt to blow my house down. If nothing else, your morning breath is quite repulsive.

 5. Chivalry is dead.

It seems that humanity has now sunk to new lows. In times of old, gentlemen would give up their seats for a lady, now they don’t even offer them to pregnant mothers or the elderly. Oh no, they waddle their enormous backsides into a seat and loll there with their rotund guts bursting from their Dunhill suits whilst guffawing loudly into expensive phones paying no attention to a standing commuter who may require the resting of their weary limbs. There are the few however, who remain high in my estimation and who continue to uphold the nicety of offering their seat. One may or may not accept but at least offer them a grateful smile and a note of thanks. For those despicable heathens who do not make such an offer to those in need should be whipped, publicly, with a  chair leg.

There have been numerous occasions whereupon I have struggled up the stairs at Clapham Junction station with an colossal suitcase and absolutely no one has bothered to help. They simply scowl at my weary struggle as they stomp past as though I have placed myself in their vicinity simply to annoy them. Here’s a tip for you, you ghastly people, if you bothered to lift a finger and assist, we would all get to the top a bit quicker.

 6. The Stompers

When a person should have the misfortune of tumbling to the floor, tripping over, dropping an item or falling ill, do not ( I repeat, do not) step on them, climb over them, ignore them or beat them to the floor with the hard end of your briefcase. Instead (and here’s a novel idea) help them. It would take but a moment of your exceedingly busy time and not only would you feel rather super in the knowledge that you have ticked your ‘good deed’ from today’s calendar but your kindness will remain with that person forevermore. This nice sort of thing makes the world a slightly better place.

 7.  What’s the bloody rush?

It astounds me how the general public are in SUCH a rush. A rush to get to the train, a rush to get on the train, a rush to find a seat and thereafter a rush to get off the train. Some, it seems, would elbow a small child onto the tracks in order to speed the process up. It’s always ‘me first, me first,’ as though each person were more important than the other. Your place of employment is not about to disappear in a gust of wind should you arrive a few minutes late. If it is, perhaps you should think about changing jobs; that sort of pressure sounds awfully bad for one’s ticker.

8. Turning the corners upwards.

Now this final point will seem completely outlandish to some. I can guarantee that it does make a difference to people, it lightens the mood somewhat and may make another persons day. It also makes the dreaded commute a little less abysmal. It’s this; (I do hope you’re sitting down) raise the corners of your mouth upward towards your eyebrows (you may even want to bare some teeth; whatever comes naturally) and direct your face at another human being. It may feel uncomfortable at first but the more you perform this movement, the easier it becomes. In some circles it’s called a ‘smile.’ Try it, it’s magic.


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